Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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