So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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