an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
