broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize