Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
