Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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