Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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