he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
