he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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