Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
