I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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