did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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