Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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