why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
