On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
