Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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