i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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