I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
