Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
