I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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