When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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