You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
