Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
