we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
