Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
