I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize