You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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