Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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