Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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