I'm lost and stupid without you.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
