I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
