I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Two words: nipple clamps
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