period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize