Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is Oprah even human
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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