Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
