i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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