what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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