i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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