Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm like, not good at living.
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