I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The power of my boobs compel you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
