my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize