The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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