Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
