Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
