I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
