On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
