I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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