you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
