just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
