Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
