i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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