Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
