Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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