I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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