Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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