it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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