You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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