She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
