Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
