Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is my gift to your gina
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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